Of all the clichés about raising a child, this one comes up trumps in the 21st century. Substitute the word village with a modern interpretation of its meaning – say, community – and images of childcare centre, local playgrounds, clubs or other organisations spring to mind. And for the really lucky ones, there is family too.
But sometimes I worry that for many parents, the opposite is their reality. The financial hardships, moving to where the work is, relocating from their birth country or city, all result in losing touch with the supportive influence of community-based, shared parenting. Such isolation can have long-lasting negative impacts of a child’s ability to relate and bond to people later in life.
Raising children within a loving, sharing ‘village’ helps them to develop strong bonds with those around them and connect in a meaningful way with their community.
Parenting is changing – for better and worse
I find it heart-warming to see how raising a child is changing for the better – such as the slow but steady improvement of maternity and paternity leave, which enables an increasing number of Dads sharing primary care duties. But one thing that hasn’t changed – the pressure parents put on themselves to raise perfect children and still be model employees… I know from my experience of single parenting in a strange city resulted in isolation and anxiety. My family lived far away and were unable to provide hands-on help. Today, as a grandparent I am part of the community raising two of my grand-daughters, but I have another grand-daughter and her little brother who live way across the country. Modern technology (I love FaceTime) keeps us connected but it is harder to develop that strong bond with little ones.
Making the most of your village
What we do know today is that, between work and raising a child, the time for couples to work on their relationship has decreased. Your community is there to help you care for your children when you need time out. It also gives children opportunities to develop trusting and loving relationships with a range of people – grandparents, aunties and uncles or close family friends. All these people will bring their own unique experiences and qualities to children’s lives.
One thing I’ve learned is that people love to help – it makes us feel good. Being humble and asking for help doesn’t always come easily, but I encourage you to lean on village and make the most of their wisdom and knowledge. If you don’t have a village, create one. Start by finding a local parenting group, check out activities at your local library or community centre, and start building your own village. You might be surprised at how many people out there are also looking for someone to help share the load.
The best and worst job you’ll ever have
Parenting is the most difficult, exhausting, rewarding and joyous job in the world (sometimes all within the same 60 seconds!). It’s easy to talk yourself into believing that you should be able to do it all yourself, and it’s much more difficult to ask for help – but as someone who has been through it, I promise you this: you are doing a great job, even when it feels like you aren’t. People will be there for you if you ask for help. And your village is out there – it might not look the way you expected, but you’ll find it.